What If We Could?
by Anigrrl
Summary: I clenched my eyes shut, ignoring the crippling pain. "I never meant for this to happen. I wanted to be with you forever. I don't want to leave… but---" His words came out in a jumble that I could barely understand any of it. "---but I have to..." Ren/Jac
1. Appearances

**DISCLAIMER****_: I do not own the Twilight Saga or any of the amazing character in it but I do however own this story which involves them. _**

**_ All hail Stephenie Meyer! XD_**

**_Read on and tell me what you guys think! I hope you enjoy reading this story as much I enjoyed writing it. ~Anigrrl_**

* * *

**R E N E S M E E**

**_CHAPTER ONE_**

**_Appearances_**

I stared absently at my breakfast, poking the perfect sunny-side up egg. I watched in fascination as the yolk burst and slowly trailed down to my plate. I placed my chin on my hand and started swirling the yolk that had pooled on the surface. Something cool and smooth touched my forehead and lingered there. I looked up and met a pair of concerned golden eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?" My mother asked worriedly in her lilting, musical voice. She continued to press her hand on my forehead, trying to gauge any change in my temperature.

I shook my head and grinned at her. I reached up and laid my hand on her cheek, letting my thoughts and emotions spill into her mind. At least, I only showed her what I wanted her to see. I didn't show her the fact that I was a nervous wreck. The first day of school was tomorrow. I cringed visibly, withdrawing my hand before she caught the panic and dread swirling in my head, tying my stomach in knots. She pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes at me, knowing only too well that I didn't tell her everything.

"Edward?" She called softly but I knew my father still heard it all the way up to their bedroom on the third floor of our massive home.

"Mom..." I pleaded, biting my lip, knowing it was pointless arguing with her. We both heard my father before he materialized in the doorway of the dining room. My mother and I turned to look at him at the same time. He glanced at me, an apologetic half-smile on his face. In a last ditch effort, I started singing the National Anthem in Korean in my head. I focused only on that and nothing else. It was a little trick I learned from my aunt Alice. She used it whenever she didn't want my dad in her head. I was fervently hoping that it would work just as well for me.

He raised an eyebrow and started laughing.

"I see you're learning from the best, Nessie."

He grinned at me, flashing me his infamous smile that always left my mother looking dazed and confused. I stuck out my tongue at him, keeping up the stream of Korean in my head, keeping myself distracted from the real panic that was making me physically sick. I pushed my plate away. Breakfast suddenly didn't look so appealing. I shifted my eyes away from my dad, avoiding his penetrating gaze as he continued to probe into my thoughts, looking for a crack or a slip in my control. I met my mom's eyes once more and she was watching me worriedly, searching my face. Then her eyes widened as if something just became clear as day to her.

_Uh oh..._

"Oh." She said softly.

I cringed. She knew me too well. I was like an open book to her. The fraction of a second slip in my control was all that my dad needed to see what I had been hiding.

He grinned and walked over to me. Sighing in defeat, I frowned at him and pouted.

_No fair! _

"Oh, honey! You'll be okay." Isabella Marie Cullen, Bella to all who know her, my eternally 18-year-old-looking vampire mother, cried, enveloping me into a hug. I sighed again, laying my cheek against her cool shoulder.

_Remind me again why I need to do this?_

I asked in my head, eyeing my dad as he stood next to us, his hand stroking my curls.

"We need to keep up appearances remember? It's to protect our family." Edward Anthony Cullen, my 100-something-but-looked-17 vampire father, smile – a hint of worry in his voice as he saw the magnitude of my panic and apprehension.

I knew he was right. In order to protect our family and our secret, we always had to keep up appearances. That was why we had left Forks. Only the Quileutes knew what we were but they had their own secrets to keep. The only other person in Forks who had the vaguest idea of the truth was my grandfather, Charlie. And even he tried to avoid knowing the whole story. He rigidly stuck to his "need to know" rule. But I remembered his face, only too clearly, every time he came to visit and he saw how much I changed every single time. Mom always worried that eventually it would become too much for him and he'd end up in the hospital. I guess that was just one of the many reasons we left.

As soon as my growth became too obvious to hide and the fact that my mom couldn't really show herself in public without causing eyebrows and questions to rise, we had moved away. The story we left was that having graduated high school, the Cullen kids were starting college in the east coast and Esme – not wanting to be so far away from them, decided that the whole family should move. Carlisle – being the giving husband that he truly was readily agreed to his beloved wife's wishes and thus moved the entire family east. Charlie had reluctantly said goodbye but he understood it was necessary. Jacob came without hesitation and my family, knowing that arguing with him was out of the question, had agreed with his decision. However, the others of his pack and his father were not too happy with the situation to say the least.

The truth was, we had moved to Alaska. We had been in hiding for the past 4 years, waiting out my abnormal growth spurt. We had lived in the remotest area, isolated from human civilization. The visits from our Denali cousins were the only form of contact we had from the world outside of our self-imposed exile. It was only a couple of months ago that Carlisle had noticed that I had finally stopped changing. The news that everyone had been waiting for. It was finally safe enough for us to rejoin civilization.

After saying our goodbyes to Tanya and her family, we left Alaska. Currently, we live in one of the top ten cloudiest, rainiest, and all around worst weather places in the entire US, a town called Binghamton in the state of New York. Not that I mind the bad weather. It was just like being back in Forks and it allowed my family the freedom to go out during the day time. Carlisle now worked at the local hospital. My parents, aunts, and uncles will be attending Cornell University in Ithaca, a city about 37 miles away. Jacob adamantly refused going back to school. He'd rather spend his free time running around on all fours and in his own words "to watch over" me. I had asked my family if I could just skip school as well but no dice there. So tomorrow begins my torture. High school. I cringed visibly.

"Jacob won't be too far. He'll be there as soon as you need him." My mom crooned in my ear.

I had to smile. It was still hard for her to grasp the fact that I was no longer a toddler running around in diapers – not that I ever wore one. A few short years and I now appeared to be an 18-year old teenager. Sometimes I felt sorry for her for having been cheated out of my babyhood. I was constantly changing & growing until I finally just stopped. Now I'm frozen in time just like the rest of my family.

Renesmee Carlie Cullen, the 5-year-old-who-looked-18 immortal half-breed. I laughed under my breath, pulling away from her embrace.

"I know." I said feeling relieved at the mention of Jacob.

_My Jacob_. I smiled.

Hearing my thoughts, my dad frowned. I sighed. That fact never used to bother him before. But now that I'm all grown up, well sort of, it made him uneasy. And the fact that Jacob lived with us and he could hear Jacob's thoughts 24/7, didn't give him any peace of mind either. Not that I had any clue as to what Jacob was thinking. But I had noticed my dad glare murder at him whenever they were both around me. Jacob, on the other hand, was ecstatic that we can now go out without people mistaking him for my babysitter. I giggled. I laid my hand on my mom's cheek to let her in on the silent conversation.

"I liked it better when he was just your babysitter." My dad muttered in answer to my thoughts.

_He was never just my babysitter, Dad. _

I pursed my lips, frowning at him.

"I know." He sighed, giving me a crooked smile. "You can hardly blame your old man for worrying."

_Pfft! Old man. We look about the same age!_

I rolled my eyes at him, while my mom nodded in agreement, laughing.

"You know what I mean, Renesmee." He said, frowning now.

Whenever he used my full name that usually meant joking was over. I pressed my lips together, letting my hand drop from my mom's face as she stood up. I watched as she quietly took his face in between her hands, resting her head against his chest. She closed her eyes, a smile playing lightly on her lips. I knew she was letting him see into her thoughts. I saw him visibly relax, his arms circling around her slender waist. I smiled and quietly stood up, feeling as though I was intruding in a private moment. He closed his eyes and softly kissed her hair, both were completely oblivious to me now. I laughed silently, tiptoeing out of the room.

* * *

I fidgeted nervously in my seat, watching the school approach as we drove closer to the gate. My heart started to pound in triple time causing the three vampires in the car to shoot me reassuring looks--my grandfather, Carlisle, in the driver seat, my dad next to him and my mom sitting right beside me. Only Jacob seemed oblivious to that silent exchange as he sat quietly on my other side, staring out the window, holding my hand and absently squeezing it every now and then. If I wasn't feeling sick to my stomach, I would've laughed at how comical it must have looked to see a teenager being dropped off at high school by a whole entourage.

"It will be okay, Nessie. You'll do great." Carlisle smiled at me through the rearview mirror.

I sucked in a lungful or air, fighting to calm myself and nodded jerkily.

The car pulled into the parking lot and Carlisle parked right in front of one of the small buildings that housed what appeared to be an office. I swallowed hard, trying to push down my breakfast that threatened to come up and out. I could hear nothing but the rhythmic pounding of my heart as it hammered against my chest. I reflexively squeezed Jacob's hand, eyeing the little building in terror.

"Ow. You're gonna break that hand _again_, crazy." He chuckled, squeezing my hand back gently.

"Sorry." I breathed, loosening my grip, giving him a sheepish look.

"C'mon, Nessie. How bad can school be? I'm pretty sure this is nothing compared to facing certain death at the hands of the Volturi." He grinned brightly – again oblivious to the sudden tension in the car.

That subject was still very sensitive for us even if it happened years ago. To a vampire who lived for all eternity, a few years could very well only equal to a few months.

I narrowed my eyes at him, pinching his hand to remind him that the Volturi subject was taboo. He clamped his mouth shut, giving me an apologetic look before scanning the faces in the car with us. Carlisle's face was carefully blank, as he opened his door to get out. Mom had a frown on her face, the little crease on her forehead all the more pronounced. Dad on the other hand was once again glaring daggers at Jacob, his jaw set.

"Sorry, Edward. It was meant as a joke." Jacob said sheepishly, raising his hands as if in surrender.

My dad sighed but didn't answer and got out of the car. He opened my mom's door and held out his hand to her. She clambered out of the car without taking it. I suppressed a smile. My mother was never one to willingly accept chivalry. She was no damsel in distress. Hearing my thoughts, my dad met my gaze and rolled his eyes. I laughed, sliding out of the car after her.

"That's better." My mom said, smiling widely, cupping my face between her cool hands.

I breathed in deeply, nodding, her familiar scent calming me.

_Here goes nothing._

"Do you remember what we had discussed last night?" Carlisle murmured quickly under his breath that no human ear could possibly hear or understand.

Even Jacob, who was beside me, could only catch some of it.

I nodded.

It was part of the "keeping up appearances" talk. They had rearranged the family tree last night and laid it out to me. It made me uneasy just thinking about it. I glanced swiftly at my parents and sighed.

From that day forward, my father was Carlisle and my mother was Esme. In the adoptive sense, since both looked too young to be otherwise. My aunts and uncles were now my adoptive brothers and sisters. Even Jacob had asked what role he was going to play. I sighed, remembering Rosalie's scathing remark that he can be the family dog. Catching my thoughts, my dad coughed, trying to disguise his laughter but failed miserably. I narrowed my eyes at him but he merely looked at me innocently. I wavered in my glare, as my thoughts drifted back to last night's conversation. Edward, my dad, was now my biological older brother. You can't deny the family resemblance there. And Bella, my mom, was now just another one of my adoptive sisters. I cringed, looking away from him. I would have to get used to calling them by their first names in public. I felt like I was betraying them.

"No, you're not."

My dad smiled crookedly at me, lightly brushing his knuckles across my cheek. I looked up at him, blinking back tears. I knew he was right but it still didn't help me feel any better. Everyone else was giving us questioning looks, trying to make light of our silent conversation. I nodded then and grinned back at him. It was to protect our family after all. I'd rather deal with this than have any sort of suspicion cast our way.

"Let's get this over with." I said, making a face, opening the glass door for everyone.

* * *

Only Carlisle, Jacob and I stepped into the office. It was brightly lit and spacious. There were desks beyond the counter that cut across the wide room. A homely looking woman was seated at the desk closest to the counter and she looked up with a welcoming smile at the sound of the door opening. I looked backed anxiously through the glass double doors at my parents waiting outside. My dad was leaning against the car grinning at something my mom was saying. She was talking animatedly, gesturing as she spoke, their linked hands never separating. They looked exactly like the normal human teenage couple they were pretending to be. People would never believe they were my real parents. I smiled ruefully; even I sometimes couldn't believe it.

They had decided to wait by the car just so we don't overwhelm the hapless human inside the office. I grinned, imagining the woman's would be reaction at being greeted by 3 outstandingly beautiful people, a giant of a teenage boy, and me. I wrinkled my nose. I probably would have looked so out of place beside them. The only normal looking human girl. Well, half-human anyway.

"How may I help you?"

The woman's cheerful voice brought me back out of my reverie. I turned to look at her and trudged behind Carlisle as he approached the counter. I inhaled experimentally. Her scent wafted into my nose, making my throat burn just slightly. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Confident that I wouldn't jump the woman, I stepped closer to the counter. The woman's polite expression drastically changed to one of obvious shock and dazed fascination as her gaze zeroed in on Carlisle's smiling face. I bit back a laugh.

_Yup... Was definitely a good idea you guys stayed out there. _I thought laughing, knowing my dad could hear me.

"Hello, Mrs. Seymore." Carlisle greeted, glancing briefly at the woman's name plate sitting on her desk. "I'm Carlisle Cullen, this is my daughter Renesmee. She's a new student to your school."

The woman continued to gape at Carlisle completely oblivious to everything he said. I glanced at Jacob and met his amused gaze. The humans' reaction to my family was a joke that both of us thoroughly enjoyed and will probably never get tired of. I grinned and rolled my eyes, making Jacob bark out a laugh. The woman blinked and somewhat remembered where she was.

"Oh! Um... Yes?" She stammered, blushing scarlet, avoiding Carlisle's eyes.

My ever patient grandfather merely smiled as if she just didn't make a fool of herself.

"My name is Carlisle Cullen. This is my daughter Renesmee Cullen. She's starting school today." He said again helpfully, smiling at the flustered woman.

"Oh! Y-yes, of course. Dr. C-Cullen!" She stuttered, busying herself with looking for my paperwork, her face still bright red.

_Of course she's heard of the gorgeous young new doctor. Who hasn't?_

Her hands were shaking so much that she accidentally knocked over a tower of papers to the floor. I grimaced, suddenly feeling sorry for the hapless woman. I heard Jacob choke back a laugh. I threw him a reprimanding glare, elbowing him. He winced, rubbing his leg.

"Do you need any help?" Carlisle asked in concern.

"N-no! I'll fix it later." Mrs. Seymore burst out, shaking her head quickly. "Ah! Here we are." She exclaimed after a moment, finally finding what she was looking for.

"Here's your schedule of classes and the directions to your classrooms, Renesmee." She said glancing down at my paper. "What a lovely name. It's quite unique." She added, looking at me.

I saw her eyes widen but she quickly caught herself. She looked...fascinated? I couldn't be sure.

_Or maybe I have something on my face. _I thought self-consciously, fidgeting uncomfortably.

"Thank you. I was named after my..." I caught myself. I almost said my two grandmothers. "...grandmother, Renee and my mom, Esme."

"How lovely!"

She smiled, glancing quickly at Carlisle, who smiled back. I smiled, relieved that she was no longer staring at me like I had two heads. It was then that I noticed she looked rather confused. She kept glancing at me then at Carlisle, back and forth. I laughed realizing the reason for her confusion.

"She's my adoptive daughter. My wife and I adopted Renesmee and her older brother, Edward." Carlisle said, realizing at the same time as I did.

He motioned with his hand toward the glass double doors. Outside, my parents were still waiting patiently. This time, however, my dad was looking into the office, his head cocked slightly to the side, listening. He met my gaze and winked at me. I grinned brightly back. My mom smiled and raised a hand. I waved.

"Oh! I see. How silly of me!" Mrs. Seymore smiled, blushing again.

"Well, welcome, dear, and good luck with your school year." She added brightly, her coloring finally returning to normal but she still carefully avoided looking at Carlisle again.

"Thank you." I said weakly, the feeling of nausea and panic suddenly returning full force.

This was it. Everyone was leaving and I would be on my own. I felt suffocated by the rising panic that I took an involuntary step towards the door. Escape. Of course. Acting on instinct, my body wanted to run away from this place. I felt a steadying hand on my arm. I looked up and saw Jacob looking at me worriedly.

"Steady now, Nessie." He whispered to me, darting a quick glance toward Carlisle and Mrs. Seymore, who were saying their thank yous and goodbyes.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and struggled to remedy my terror-stricken face without much success.

Carlisle turned away from the counter and started toward the door, eyeing me worriedly. I managed a weak smile and followed him out, clutching my class schedule in a vise-like grip. I barely noticed Jacob's steadying hand that was still holding my arm, as he steered me towards my waiting parents.

"I think I'm going to be sick." I blurted out when we reached them.

My mom's arms were instantly around me, pulling me into a hug.

"M-maybe she doesn't need to do this." She pleaded, a hint of panic in her voice.

"Bella..." My dad murmured helplessly, obviously torn between what must be and what my mother asked.

I felt guilt starting to gnaw at my conscience, knowing I shouldn't be putting them in this difficult situation. I started to pull away but my mom continued to hold me, unwilling to let go.

"It's okay. You don't have to do this." She whispered in my ear so softly and rapidly that it seemed that I was the only one who heard it but I knew my dad and Carlisle heard it just fine.

"Bella, this is to protect us, to avoid any questions that maybe directed our way. People in town are bound to talk when they notice Nessie not attending school when she appears to be quite capable of doing so. We must avoid standing out. Unwanted scrutiny will only endanger us." Carlisle explained softly, his kind eyes willing her to understand.

That decided it for me. I couldn't – wouldn't let any danger come to my family just because I was terrified of the notion of going to school. I'll get over this. Taking a deep breath, I untangled myself from my mom. She looked at me worriedly. I cupped her tiny face in my hands and showed her that I was fine. I saw her relax visibly, as she leaned against my dad. I let her go and stepped back onto the sidewalk and grinned widely at them. Carlisle gave me an encouraging smile as he slid into the car.

"See you after school!" I said cheerily, fighting the rising panic churning in my stomach.

Jacob came to stand with me on the sidewalk and held my shaking hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Please stay as close as you can, Jake." My mom said anxiously.

"Don't worry, Bella. I won't be far." He replied reassuringly. She nodded gratefully and reluctantly slipped into the car.

"I'll be here when you get out of school." My dad said, studying my face.

I nodded, singing happy birthday in Chinese at the top of my mental lungs. He grinned in amusement before sliding gracefully into the passenger side.

I watched the car pull away from the curb and raised my stiff arm to wave goodbye. As soon as they were out of the parking lot, I felt my smile waver and fall. I took in a shuddering breath and looked up at Jacob. He pulled me to his side, putting his arm around me and guided me towards the main school building.

"Only the first few hours will be bad. I bet you by lunch time you'll be more bored than terrified." He said gently, rubbing my arm with his hand.

I nodded mutely, looking around the school grounds. Only a few students were milling about. It was still pretty early.

Jacob placed a hand under my chin, forcing me to look up and meet his dark eyes.

"I'll be here. I promise." He murmured, sounding conflicted.

I frowned at the tone in his voice. It seemed as though he wasn't certain of the truth of his own statement. Anguish flickered in his eyes as his gaze slowly traced my features. Before I could put anymore thought into it, it quickly vanished as if it had never been there. I blinked – a little troubled and flushed bright red when I realized that I was leaning into him. He laughed huskily, running his hand through his now cropped jet black hair. I looked down hastily and stared at the button of his shirt, studying it as if it was the most interesting thing in the entire universe. My head was reeling from all the unnamed emotions that were suddenly overwhelming me.


	2. Unexpected

**_CHAPTER TWO_**

**_Unexpected_**

_What's wrong with me?_

Despite the fact that I was dazed and floundering around like a drowning man in a sea of new and unnerving emotions, I knew that whatever was happening to me had something to do with how Jacob was looking at me. Thinking about it again set my face aflame once more. All of a sudden I was painfully aware of Jacob. His every breath, his closeness, his warmth, his intoxicating scent, his voice, his gaze, most of all his touch. Not to mention the fact that I was now achingly aware of how his taut muscles were outlined by the damn shirt that he was wearing. I snapped my eyes shut, blocking my unobstructed view of his glorious physique.

"Ness... You should get going or you're going to be late on your first day." He whispered, brushing my hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear.

I shuddered involuntarily but I knew it wasn't because I didn't like it. My heart was crashing like a mad thing against my chest that it was almost painful. My breath caught in my throat. I was beyond understanding what was going on with me. I couldn't even think anymore. It was like all my thinking processes had shut down, leaving only my sensory functions to rule, govern, and go absolutely crazy.

"What did you call me...?" I choked out a little too hysterically.

Talking was good. Talking should distract me. I kept my eyes closed. The less I see of Jacob the more coherent I was. I felt his finger under my chin once more, tilting my face up. I blushed crimson at his touch, my heart accelerating into overdrive. He held my face in place, his thumb felt electric against my chin, pushing me to the very edge of my self-control. I stopped breathing altogether. He stayed quiet. I kept my eyes sealed shut.

"Ness is good. I like Ness. Sounds more mature actually. At least I won't get teased for being named after a sea monster---" I blabbered desperately, but trailed off when an incredibly heady and warm air brushed across my face.

My eyes flew open in surprise only to meet a pair of intense brown eyes dark with emotion. His face was mere inches away from mine. I inhaled sharply. Big mistake. My head swam with his scent, every last bit of my self-control vanished. If before I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, I was now free-falling in thin air.

"You are _too _adorable for your own good..." He half-laughed half-breathed, slowly closing the gap between our faces inch by painful inch.

I gazed at him mesmerized, leaning up to him, my body moving of its own accord. I was completely lost in his stormy eyes. Everything else no longer existed at that very moment. There was only Jacob. I had forgotten about school, or the fact that I was standing in the middle of the parking lot that was already filling up with cars.

Unthinkingly, I raised my hands to cup his face wanting to show him what he was doing to me, to let him see all the crazy emotions he had provoked. That small movement brought him back to reality. His eyes focused and he quickly caught my wrists and held my hands away, shaking his head. I blinked, coming out of my own stupor, utterly confused. He put my hands back to my sides and pulled away. His smile was forced, his jaw tight as if he was restraining himself.

"Sorry about that." He said hoarsely, taking a step back.

I frowned at him not understanding what he meant.

"What wrong?" I whispered, searching his face.

He was like a totally different person. His face was now carefully guarded, devoid of emotion. His eyes were distant as he quietly gazed at me. His lips tightened into a grim line at my question.

"It's nothing." He replied abruptly.

I inhaled deeply, knowing that I must have done something that had offended him. I'm new to all of this and half the time I didn't even know what I'm doing.

I bit my lip. I had no idea what was happening to me. I looked down and stared at my sneakers. It was like I was seeing, feeling, smelling, sensing him for the very first time. It terrified me. Even now when we were just standing there, not touching, every single cell in body seemed to be screaming for him. The air around us still felt charged to the point that if we touched again I was pretty sure we would burst into flames.

I glanced at him through my eyelashes and cringed when I saw how rigidly he was standing, his hands clenched into tight fists.

"You're going to be late. You should get going." He said, sounding strained.

I locked my jaw, fighting the sudden moronic urge to bawl my head off. I swallowed, my throat burning not from thirst but because I was fighting back the confused and hurt tears that threatened to spill.

"Okay." I whispered, turning away from him, and walked slowly towards the school building.

I pulled my hood over my head and hugged my jacket closer, feeling suddenly cold despite my abnormal body heat and the jacket I had on. I glanced down at my hand and realized with a groan that I had crumpled my class schedule and directions. I tried to straighten the hapless pieces of paper but gave up after only making it worse. I looked around suddenly feeling overwhelmed. The now familiar panic was starting again at the pit of my stomach. I checked my class schedule and saw that I had first period English which would start in about 10 minutes. I bit back a sigh; I had 10 minutes to look for my classroom. I glanced briefly at the directions and was glad that it seemed pretty easy to find. I should have enough time getting there granted I didn't get lost. I snuck a quick look over my shoulder to check if Jacob was still standing where I left him. He was gone. I ground my teeth together, fighting back tears.

Taking in a deep shuddering breath I strode forward, joining the throng of students moving along the hallway. Another big mistake. The various scents of human blood that instantly assaulted me, permeating me to the very core was both shocking and overwhelming. All thoughts of Jacob flew out of my mind. It was something I had never expected. Smelling one human was tolerable, plus the fact that Carlisle's and Jacob's scents had diluted it. I didn't take into account how it would affect me if it was multiple human scents crammed into an enclosed space like this cramped hallway. I simply figured that since I was half-human, I'd be more than able to cope. But I guess my vampire side was stronger than I had thought. Even my entire family hadn't considered this to be a problem. We were all incredibly careless.

My throat was suddenly on fire and my stomach clenched with aching hunger. I didn't have the luxury of not breathing, thanks to my all too human need for oxygen. I hurried blindly down the hallway, my arms wrapped around my torso, taking only shallow breaths but every single one was like a dose of pure, concentrated torture. My mouth started to water and my throat began to work overtime as I tried to swallow the excess saliva in my mouth. The darker side of my being that had lain dormant for so long now woke up with a vengeance. A rush so potent and electric raced through my veins as my instincts started to pick out the most delicious scent of all. I was now hunting.

A strangled sob, escaped my lips. I dug my nails so viciously into my side that I knew I was about to draw my own blood. My head was already calculating the distances between myself and my intended victims. I felt like a child let loose inside a candy store. At that very moment, I doubted if I even had any of my humanity left. I was just a monster, very much capable of massacring an entire school. But I was still fighting it, no matter how weak my resistance was. All was not lost. I still had some ounce of control but I knew I was very close to losing it in the midst of all these helpless humans. My eyes darted around frantically looking for escape. The monster in my head howled in anger. I vaguely felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I ignored it. My gaze finally found a girls' restroom. I pushed through the crowd, murmuring apologies through my locked jaw as I went. I yanked the door open and stumbled into the thankfully empty bathroom. I leaned against the door and inhaled deeply, trying to drive out the scent of human blood from my system. All I could hear was the deafening thud of my heart, beating at an inhuman pace.

The irritating smell of cheap air freshener mixed in with bleach and toilet cleanser was a welcome distraction. I staggered to the sink and turned the faucet on with shaking hands. I caught my reflection in the mirror as I splashed my face with the cold tap water. The wild, dangerous glint in my eyes, the harsh set of my jaw and my deathly pallor startled me. I barely recognized myself. My knees buckled as the flood of tears I had so valiantly fought back now sprang from my eyes. I felt my phone vibrate again. I answered it without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?" I whispered through my tears, bracing myself against the sink.

"Hang on for just a little longer, Nessie. I'm almost there."

My dad's strained voice said rapidly. I could hear the roar of his car's engine in the background. He had brought his Vanquish. His special car for special occasions only. I could just picture him flying on the road.

"I am so sorry, love. I should have known better." His voice broke with so much self-loathing and regret.

"Daddy..." I whimpered, suddenly feeling like the child I truly was.

Outside, the final bell rang jarringly making me jump. I could no longer hear anything beyond the bathroom door. The hallways were finally empty. I felt an odd mix of relief and bitter anger, knowing that no human would be coming into the cramped bathroom anytime soon. My humanity and my own personal demon clashing violently.

"It's okay. You'll be okay. I won't allow anything to happen." He tried to soothe me but his voice had a frantic edge to it.

I heard the engine roar even louder in the background as he murmured those words to me. I sank to the floor and leaned against the wall, hugging my knees to my chest. My head was still swirling with the perfume of human blood, each with their own distinct "taste" and potency. I locked my jaw trying to breathe as little as possible but I was getting light-headed from the lack of oxygen. I dropped my head onto my knees, clutching the phone to my ear like a lifeline. I could no longer smell the air freshener or bleach. They were no match for the human scent that saturated the entire school. I had never felt so weak. It was as if all of my energy had been sucked out of me. My sides felt raw from where my nails had dug harshly, cutting through my hard skin.

"I'm in the bathroom somewhere..." I whispered tremulously. "I don't think I can make it out---"

As soon as the words left my mouth, the bathroom door burst open. I looked up with a mixture of fear, shock, and despair clenching my stomach. I instinctively stopped breathing, clamping my mouth shut. Through the haze of unrelenting tears, the vision of Jacob in the doorway was like a dream that I thought I was hallucinating. He was beside me in three long strides. I looked at him in a daze still unbelieving that he was truly there. His face was filled with panic and agony as he frantically searched my face, his hands gently brushing my tears away.

"J-Jake?" I choked out incredulously, gazing at him in wonder, the phone still clutched in my hand and pressed tightly to my ear.

I could vaguely hear my dad's voice on the other end.

"It's okay. I'm here now." Jacob barely managed to say, scooping me up effortlessly in his arms.

It was only then that I realized that I wasn't hallucinating at all. A sob escaped my lips, as overwhelming relief coursed through my entire being. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in the space between his jaw and throat. I pressed my lips against his skin, feeling the rapid beating of his pulse, and inhaled deeply, filling my head with his scent. It was like a drug, driving out all other smells. It was as if they never even existed. I felt him shudder at my touch.

"Edward, I have her." He whispered urgently.

I looked up to see that he now had my cell phone. I had no idea how he ended up with it but I didn't really care either. I was safe now.

_Safe? From what? From yourself? Safe from committing a massacre? Are you really, truly safe, Renesmee?_

The darkness in my mind sneered.

I cringed, biting my lip, fresh tears soaking Jacob's neck and shirt. I fought to block out the hideous images of mass murder and blood that were now flooding my mind. I clenched my eyes shut, clutching at Jacob's shirt.

"Okay, we're on our way out." He said into my cell phone, stepping out of the bathroom and breaking into a run.

Thankfully the hallway was completely deserted as he sprinted noiselessly out of the school.

I felt the cold rain on my face as he raced across the parking lot. I kept my eyes shut, drowning in despair as the images of what I could have done swirled before my mind's eye. I heard the car door open and felt him slide into the warm, dry interior.

"Oh."

I heard my dad choke out in agony, as he saw the hideous images, heard the vicious words and shared my devastating pain and turmoil. I didn't even try to block it from him. I was powerless against it.

_What's the point in fighting it? You can't escape from it!_

It cackled.

I locked my jaw, as the words cut through me. I was only vaguely aware that Jacob was still cradling me or that my tears didn't seem to want to stop.

"No..." My dad whispered fiercely, his voice cracking, challenging the monster.

I heard the car roar to life and lurch forward, as he floored it furiously.

"No, Nessie... You're not like that." He said again, louder this time, urging me to believe him, his cool hand grasping mine.

"Edward! What's going on?" Jacob hissed frantically.

I felt Jacob touch my face. My eyes remained shut. On the outside, I probably would have seemed unconscious but on the inside, there was no peace for me. The two sides of me were at war with one another--the human versus the monster. My humanity was crying in agony and shaking with revulsion and guilt at what the monster had every intention of doing. The monster was rejoicing. Smug in its hold over me. It was stronger after all. I was more monster than human. I realized that now.

"No, Nessie... Please listen to me." My dad begged, completely ignoring Jacob. "You are not a monster!"

If he could cry, tears would have accompanied his words as his voice cracked over them.

I felt the car leap forward, even faster now, the engine purring loudly. Jacob's arm tightened instinctively around me as the car was already practically flying.

"Edward..." Jacob begged urgently, fear ringing clear in his voice, his warm hand gently cupping my tear-streaked face.

I wasn't sure if he was begging for my dad to slow down or for him to explain what was going on.

_Not a __**monster**__? Are you sure, _**Edward**_? Are you truly blinded by the very lies you tell yourself that you do not see what I am capable of? What the rest of you are STILL capable of?_

It mocked, laughing sardonically.

I felt my dad's hand twitch spasmodically over mine. Those words had hit home. I suddenly felt a surge of anger. I can't let this monster take over me. It was a part of me but it wasn't all of me.

It laughed even harder. It found my anger amusing and as if to prove it's point, everything that had happened over the past hour vividly replayed itself in my head. The sudden onslaught was overwhelming. It left me reeling. It felt as if a freight train had slammed into me, splintering me into a million tiny pieces.

"S-stop... Stop it!" I screamed hoarsely.

My voice sounded strange to me. It sounded _too human_. I clapped my hands over my ears trying to block everything out. I was drowning and the evil beast that shared my mind was holding me under. It felt as though I would never resurface again.

I dimly heard my dad and Jacob calling out to me before everything went black.


	3. When It Rains, It Pours

**_CHAPTER THREE_**

**_When It Rains, It Pours_**

I opened my eyes, slowly scanning the room in confusion. It took me a while to realize that I was in my own bedroom. I remained motionless, mutely looking around the dark room. I was faintly aware of my left arm tingling. It was pinned between my body and the bed. I welcomed the throbbing discomfort. It was a nice distraction as I tried not to remember the events that had led to this very moment.

I lay still waiting for the mental torture to begin anew. My muscles were screaming in protest from the lack of movement and the rigid way I was lying on the bed. It was as if I was physically bracing myself for the attacks to begin. Minutes pass and nothing but silence and my own apprehensive thoughts swirled in my head. I started to relax. I blinked for the first time, allowing myself to breathe. I slowly pushed myself off the bed and gingerly sat up, wincing at the throbbing numbness in my limbs. I flexed my fingers and toes trying to get the blood circulation going. My stomach growled loudly announcing that I had not eaten anything since breakfast before school. I cringed at the memory. I inhaled deeply, relaxing as the familiar scents of my family swam in my head, calming me. I turned to look at my window trying to guess what time of the day it was. The heavy drapes were drawn shut, completely blocking out the view outside. I sighed and stood up. I gasped as a sharp stinging sensation shot up my legs. I caught the bedpost and steadied myself, grimacing. I flexed my toes trying to get some feeling back into my legs. Not having much success, I started to jump in place, making sure to land just a little harder each time, trying to shock my legs back to life. I felt the painful cramp slowly ebb away and sighed with relief, wriggling my toes.

"Interesting ritual you had going there." A laughing voice mused from the doorway.

I whirled around warily and found Jacob leaning casually against the doorframe. He was back to his normal self. An amused grin was on his gorgeous face, his dark eyes shining with mischief. It made me suddenly self-conscious. I looked down quickly and realized with dismay that I was wearing one of the frilly and thin, short nightdresses that Alice had given me on one of our many fashion shows. I gritted my teeth as I felt my face burst into flames. I probably looked like a very angry tomato.

"Was that some sort of rain dance?" Jacob continued in the same teasing tone.

I shot him the most annoyed look I could muster given the fact that I was seriously more humiliated than annoyed at the moment. His grin widened even more at the expression on my face, his eyes dancing merrily as he continued to watch me. I could just imagine how I must have looked, jumping around like some moron in a too-short, too-thin, and too-frilly nightdress. The thought only made my face burn even hotter. I tore my gaze away from his and frantically scanned my bedroom for the robe that should match the damn nightdress. He chuckled softly and from the corner of my eye I saw him push himself off the doorframe and walk towards me.

"I have to say that was actually pretty good." He murmured, the light-hearted, teasing tone suddenly gone.

I turned to look at him, surprised at the sudden change in his mood. The expression in his eyes made me freeze. I've seen it only once before. It was the look that made me want to blush myself to death. My breath caught in my throat.

"I'd say the rain god was pleased enough to make it rain for a whole year. Probably more…" He continued softly, closing the distance between us with long graceful strides, his dark eyes holding mine captive.

I seem to have forgotten how to breathe. My heart was crashing against my chest like a caged animal. My face was still on fire but this time it wasn't from humiliation. I swallowed convulsively, opening my mouth to say _something_, _anything_, but of course _**nothing **_came out. I clamped my useless mouth shut and watched helplessly as Jacob approached.

"Coming from me – a Native American – that should count as **one... big... compliment...** Don't you think?" He whispered, enunciating the three words, just as he reached me. "After all, we are experts when it comes to rain dancing." He murmured, a hint of a smile playing across his lips.

For some reason, I got the idea that he was really complimenting how I looked in my embarrassing nightdress and not the idiotic jumping. My heart stuttered and stopped for a second. If that was possible. I gazed up at him, wide-eyed. Apprehension, panic, and terror gripped me, but at the same time I was also yearning for something to happen. For what? I had no clue but the quiet anticipation was gnawing eagerly at the pit of my stomach.

He reached out and gently brushed his fingertips against my cheek in a soft, almost feather-like touch. I trembled, my head leaning into his touch. I was beyond bewildered. It was like my body took on a life of its own whenever I was around him lately. I took a step towards him, closing the gap between us. I heard his sharp intake of breath at the sudden contact. I jumped back, suddenly afraid again that I had done something wrong. His hand shot out, circling my arm. I looked up, confused. He shook his head and tugged me back towards him. I gazed at him in wonder. Although his touch was gentle and his eyes were soft, there was tightness in the corners of his lips and rigidity in the set of his jaw.

"Jake...? What is it?" I whispered worriedly.

His reaction to the sound of my voice shook me to the core. He blinked and let go of my arm instantly, as if it burned him. He took a massive step away from me. His face was guarded once more. His eyes carefully blank as he gazed at me. The only thing that gave him away was his tightly clenched fists.

_Not again._

I pressed my lips together. I searched his face, silently pleading with him. I didn't know exactly know what I was asking of him. There were too many questions swimming in my head to just pick one. He shook his head, his eyes flickering with some semblance of emotion but only briefly. I didn't even catch it.

"I'm sorry, Nessie." He murmured, his gaze avoiding mine. "Come downstairs. Everyone's going to be glad to know you're up." He turned away and strode swiftly out of my room, as if he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

The grim thud of the door closing behind him sounded so final that it felt like a sharp blow to my stomach. I slumped back down onto the bed, suddenly breathless. My chest felt like someone had driven a wooden spike through it and gave it a vicious twist. I bit my lip as hot, wounded tears spilled down my cheeks.

I sat there weeping in silence for God knows how long. After a while, my pain and confusion morphed into simmering anger. With the strong surge of determination, I felt a strange sense of cold indifference rush through me. It felt liberating. I brushed the tears roughly away from my face and inhaled deeply. I stood up, feeling oddly calm and walked towards the adjoining bathroom.

* * *

I stopped at the top of the stairs and listened intently. Everyone was gathered in the formal dining area. The family conference room as I'd like to call it since that's what we really use it for. I sat down on the top step and propped my chin on the palm of my hand, quietly listening to the conversation downstairs.

"We are all at fault here." Carlisle was saying in a weary voice. "We should have treated the situation as we normally would have. But we were all so sure that it would be different for Nessie because of her human half."

He suddenly sounded old. I frowned.

"I should have known. I should have seen it."

A choked whisper that barely sounded at all like Alice broke the silence.

"And you did, Alice. If it weren't for your vision---"

My dad's strained voice tried to reassure her but broke off.

I cringed. I knew exactly what he was remembering. He had seen, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt everything through me. He knew exactly what had been my intentions at the school. My hand shook.

"I barely made it, Edward. Any later and I---she---" Alice trailed off, her breath catching in her throat.

She knew too. She saw it before it happened. I folded my legs up and hugged them against my chest, resting my chin on my knees. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling weak.

"Alice… You are not to blame. You did all that you could. You even called Jacob just in case Edward didn't make it… in time." Carlisle murmured soothingly.

"What are we going to do, Carlisle?"

Esme's tremulous voice made me hug my knees even tighter. I knew, even though she couldn't shed any tears, that she was crying.

"We can't remain here. It's too dangerous--for us and for the humans." Jasper murmured regretfully.

Silence followed his answer to Esme's question. It hung so heavily throughout the whole house. I remained motionless, waiting for someone to break the oppressive stillness.

"Give her a chance. I know she can do this."

My head shot up at the sound of Jacob's low voice. The quiet conviction in his words rang in my ears.

I felt an insanely powerful surge of longing but I immediately quelled it. I clenched my jaw and shoved those feelings to the farthest corners of my mind, where I could _try _to forget them.

"It's not that simple, dog!" Rosalie hissed in exasperation.

"Wait, Rose, he may have a point---" Emmett interjected but was immediately interrupted by Rosalie, who bit out.

"What? Have you gone absolutely mad, Emmett? What the hell do you mean the _mutt _has a point?!"

"Please... This is not about us. This is about my---baby...."

A weak voice pleaded, breaking over the words as they came out barely above a whisper. Hearing my mom's devastated voice was like having Emmett swing a baseball bat, full force, against my head. It left me reeling.

_Mom..._

I stood up gingerly, swaying on my feet. I grasped the banister for support and slowly descended the stairs.

"I understand what you're saying, Jake, but---" My dad never finished his sentence.

Before I knew what had happened, he was suddenly beside me, crushing me to his chest. It slowly dawned on me that he must have heard my mental call for my mother. I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his shirt.

"Edward!"

"Where are you going?!"

"What happened?!"

The chorus of panicked voices followed his sudden departure from the dining room. In the next split second everyone was around us. I looked around at the tired, worried faces of my family. Carlisle was wrong. The only person at fault here was me. I should have had better control of myself. I should have known my own limits. I can't let everyone pay for my own mistake. I won't let them suffer on my account.

"Nessie... It's not like that---" My dad murmured, obviously hearing my thoughts.

I shook my head vehemently, cutting him off. My gaze found my mother's haggard, grief-stricken face. She didn't look at all like her normal, radiant self. The purple bruises under her eyes were even more pronounced and her golden eyes were dulled by pain.

"Mom..." I whispered, reaching for her, not because I needed comforting, but because I wanted to comfort her.

She enveloped me in a hug, pressing her cool lips against my temple.

"It's going to be okay. Everything will be fine." I murmured reassuringly, twisting a lock of her hair in my fingers, an old habit from when I was still an infant.

I felt her slowly pull away from me. My perceptive mother immediately knew something was up. She searched my face, her penetrating gaze were full of questions. I kept my expression blank, carefully avoiding any eye contact with her. I kept my mind occupied with thinking about the weather, knowing that my dad would be trying to see inside it.

Everyone seems to have picked up on the tensed silence. They glanced at my dad warily but he shook his head, his eyes troubled.

"Don't do it, Nessie."

Jacob's hoarse whisper rattled my self-control that I almost slipped. I caught myself just in time. I darted a quick look at my dad to see if he saw anything but he was still just as lost as everyone else.

"Please think this over." Jacob murmured again, his eyes pleading with me.

I locked my jaw and glared at him, fighting to quell the rising anger. I had no idea how he seems to know what I was planning to do, maybe it had something to do with the whole imprinting thing.

Everyone was now gazing at Jacob, just as shocked as I was.

"Jacob, you better tell us now or, God help me, I will choke it out of you." My mom hissed menacingly, taking a step towards him.

My dad's hand shot out, took a hold of her arm and pulled her back. She glared up at him but something in his eyes made her stop. I frowned. It was my turn to be confused. I glanced around; everyone was watching the whole thing in varying degrees of confusion and agitation. I turned to glare at Jacob again. His gaze was locked with that of my dad. I saw the almost imperceptible nod of my father's head before he broke eye contact. I felt a surge of anger so strong that I was seeing red.

_How dare you, Jacob Black!_

I knew he had told my father whatever it was that he knew of my plans. I felt utterly betrayed. I gritted my teeth, glaring at him – tears stinging the back of my eyes. He met my gaze, his eyes carefully blank. I hated that look. My fury boiled over. My control shattering into pieces.

Everything that I had been holding back now flooded my head. There was no point in hiding it from my father when Jacob had so conveniently just told him.

"How could you?" I snarled through my teeth at Jacob, clenching my hands into tight fists.

He didn't respond. He merely continued to gaze at me bleakly.

Everyone else watched the exchange helplessly. My father, however, was now looking at me in obvious disbelief and outrage. Obviously he wasn't too happy with the fact that I had every intention of returning to school. I had expected as much, which was why I didn't want to tell them. I was planning on just sneaking off. I wasn't about to run away from my problems. I wasn't the type to give up without a fight.

"Don't make me laugh." I bit out viciously at Jacob. "Stop pretending that you even give a damn! We both know that you sure as hell don't!"

All eyes turned to look at me in astonishment. They had never seen me like this before. Even my dad was shocked. He clearly hadn't seen this one coming. Although he could so easily spy on me, he always gave me privacy. He stayed clear of my head unless it was absolutely necessary.

Now, I saw understanding dawn on his face as he gleaned everything from my mind. His head snapped around to stare at Jacob. His eyes widened suddenly, pain flickering in their golden depths. Jacob tore his gaze away from my dad's, his tormented eyes flashing angrily.

"Stay the hell out of my head, Edward." He hissed through gritted teeth.

I glanced swiftly at my dad. Despite my anger with Jacob, I still wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know why he had been acting so strangely the past couple days. I knew that the only other person in this room who could tell me this was my father.

I opened my mouth to voice my question when Alice's breathless voice stopped me.

"He's leaving."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. I slowly turned to look at her and saw with crippling terror that her glazed eyes were glued to Jacob.

"You can't know that… You can't see his future…" I choked out breathlessly, shaking my head.

Alice slowly turned to look at me, although her gaze remained unfocused. She closed her eyes and took my hand. When she opened her eyes again, her gaze was focused and bored into mine. Her golden eyes held so much sadness and regret.

"I could see your future, Nessie… I could see you in the future...._ without him._"

She threw Jacob a knowing glance. Everyone stared gawking at her with the exception of Jacob.

"Before, I couldn't because it was always intertwined with Jacob's. But the past couple of days, I've been seeing glimpses of your future. They would vanish just as quickly as they would come but they were there..." She was watching Jacob, who remained mute. "I understand now that it was because he was still undecided…" She turned to gaze at me once more, her eyes mirroring my pain. "And now, I guess he has finally decided…" She whispered, giving my hand a squeeze.

I suddenly couldn't breathe. It felt like I was underwater. A heavy pressure was pushing into my chest, compressing it. It all suddenly made sense. He had been slowly distancing himself from me. That would explain his hot then cold pendulum-like behavior the past couple of days.

_Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_…

He would catch himself and immediately jump back farther than ever, putting an even wider distance between us. At the same time he was also pushing me away by purposely not telling me—knowing that it would hurt me. He was trying to give me a reason to let him go.

_Leaving?_

I gazed at him disbelievingly, my vision blurring with tears. He watched me quietly, his face contorted in anguish but he didn't deny it nor did he explain why. It was like he simply didn't want me to know. My chest felt hollow. Like a painful, gaping hole was now where my heart used to be. I had to get away from there.

I didn't give them a chance to react. I took advantage of the fact that they were all still dumb-struck by Alice's revelation. In a flash of movement, invisible to human eyes, I coiled and sprang into the air, soaring above the others and landing lightly just before the front door. I darted through the door with inhuman speed into the woods. It had all taken me no more than a split second to get out of there. It was at times like this that I truly appreciated the darker side of my nature.

The freedom of flying through the trees was exhilarating. I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes, letting the cold air fill my lungs. I didn't even care that it was raining. The icy water soaked through my clothes and into my skin. I welcomed the numbness that came with it. I had no idea where I was going nor did I really care. I would run forever if I had to. I didn't want to return home knowing that Jacob would no longer be there waiting for me.

My chest clenched painfully, making me double over in agony. I landed on the nearest branch, clinging to the tree, gasping for air. I couldn't – wouldn't imagine my existence without Jacob. He was my center… And knowing that he was leaving left my world teetering out of control.

I clenched my eyes shut, my hot tears mixing with the cold rain on my cheeks. A strangled sob escaped my tightly clenched jaw. Clutching my chest, I slowly righted myself and prepared to spring over to the next branch when I heard a subtle sound behind me, moving fast. Of course, they would follow me. And I knew that the only person fast enough to catch me was my dad.

_Leave me alone._

I bounded into the trees, propelling myself faster than before. I was lucky I inherited some of his super vampire speed. Key word: **some**. After all, he could easily catch up to me but I could still give him one hell of a chase before any of my human weaknesses got to me. With grim determination, I pushed myself even faster, expertly dodging the branches that were whipping past me, my heartbeat thrumming at a breakneck speed.


	4. Starcrossed

**_CHAPTER FOUR_**

**_Star-crossed_**

I stared unseeingly into the corner of my bedroom. I blinked, slightly startled at the wetness in my eyes. I gingerly touched my cheek and was surprised when I felt tears. I brushed the back of my hand roughly across my face and sat up slowly. I felt numb. Emmett could probably beat the crap out of me and I wouldn't flinch. But even though I was numb, my chest still had that strange hollow feel to it, like someone had ripped a ragged gaping hole through it. I touched my torso experimentally, wondering if there really was a hole in it, and smiled bleakly when I felt my rock-hard flesh beneath my fingers.

_Seriously, Renesmee, what did you expect? _I mentally chided myself, staring at my not-so-holey chest.

It had taken my dad quite a number of days to find me. I seriously didn't keep count. By the time he had finally found me, I was exhausted and unconscious. I didn't stop to feed or rest. I just ran on but he was always not too far behind me.

I was already halfway into Canada when my half-human body gave way. I had slumped against a tree and decided to sleep for a bit to forget my fatigue, gnawing hunger and burning thirst. By the time I had woken up, I was being cradled in his arms and we were flying through the trees once more. Numb and weak, I had let him carry me home utterly defeated, despite the fact that home was the last place I wanted to be. I cried silently, soaking his shirt with my tears. I felt him stiffen but he remained quiet. I had no idea how angry he was with me but I was grateful that he left me to cry my eyes out. I needed that release. After my pathetic sobbing session, I had passed out again.

I studied the dark outlines in the dark room--my eyes tracing the familiar silhouettes of the furniture. The only sound I could hear was my abnormally rapid heartbeat thudding as though from far away. I frowned, looking down at my hands. I was still in my body but for some reason I felt disconnected from it. I shrugged. It was probably my mind's way of protecting me from whatever emotional and physical pain I was really in at that moment.

I quietly welcomed the numbness that enveloped me in its protective embrace. I breathed in deeply, my eyes becoming unfocused, retreating into my safe haven. I dimly heard a knock on my door but I didn't answer. My tongue felt too thick for talking. I mutely turned at the sound of the door opening. I could see someone hesitating just inside the doorway but for some odd reason I couldn't recognize who it was.

_Weird… _

"Nessie?"

Jacob. Surprise brought me crashing back to earth and into my body. A sharp pang of pain seared into my chest making me wince. I grasped the front of my shirt and pressed down. I gazed at him bleakly, oddly relieved that he was still there but at the same time willing him to just disappear.

My safe haven was quickly vanishing into nothing. The throbbing pain was quickly becoming more and more unbearable. I hunched over, wrapping my arms tightly around myself. I didn't know what it would accomplish but it seemed necessary to keep myself from falling apart. The air rasped in my throat as I struggled to breathe normally.

He was beside me in the next second. He grasped my chin in his large hand, bringing my face up to meet his gaze. I flinched quickly away from his touch. I shot to my feet and backed away, giving him a wide berth.

"Why are you still here?" I demanded hoarsely, blinking back tears furiously.

Silence.

"I thought you were _**leaving**_." I spat out the last word like it was the vilest thing in the entire universe.

He remained where he sat, gazing at me helplessly. I glared at him but the face staring back at me looked nothing at all like Jacob. I was stunned. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten in days. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked too thin for his towering height. His haunted dark eyes held so much pain and anguish that it felt like I was drowning in a sea of despair just looking in them. Whatever pain I was feeling held no candle to whatever it was that Jacob was going through that very moment.

I staggered over to him, my own pain and anger quickly forgotten. I dropped to my knees before him and cupped his face in my hands. This time he didn't fight me, but I held my thoughts back. My pain was my own. He didn't need to know it. He looked at me, confused at the absence of my thoughts rushing into his mind. I just shook my head.

I pulled him close, wrapping my arms around him. He really did lose weight. I bit my lip, as tears flooded my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. He gathered me into his arms, pulling me onto his lap, burying his head against my neck.

"Nessie..." He whispered brokenly.

I felt his warm tears trailing down the side of my neck. I pulled him closer, trying to comfort him as much as I could despite my own pain.

"I never meant for this to happen. I wanted to be with you for as long as I lived. I never meant to leave you… but---"

His words came out in a jumble that I could barely make out what he was saying. I clenched my eyes shut, ignoring the crippling pain that erupted in my chest.

"---I have to…"

His voice broke as he whispered those words.

_I have to._

It echoed hollowly in my head. I stopped breathing for a moment. I couldn't speak.

"My---my dad's gone, Nessie..."

Jacob's body shook uncontrollably, rocking us both. His words sent me reeling.

"Oh, Jake…" I sobbed, clinging to him.

I cannot even begin to imagine the agony he was in. I felt so wretched. I had been too selfish and too caught up in wallowing in self-pity that I didn't even think of what he was truly going through.

"I---I found out the day before you were supposed to start school." He whispered weakly. "Sam… he came to tell me."

He stopped, raising his head to gaze at me. He lifted me from his lap and gently set me down beside him on the bed. His eyes suddenly looked conflicted and deeply troubled.

"What is it?" I whispered, touching his face.

"Sam---he joined my pack, Nessie."

I was stunned. I stared at him wide-eyed. I knew that the Quileute wolves had split up long ago when Jacob had suddenly staked his claim as the rightful Alpha. He had said that the Alpha was also the chief of the village, which his dad had been when he was still alive. I gasped, understanding finally dawning on me.

He nodded slowly.

"Sam knew that with my dad gone, I was now the chief of the village. That was why he stepped down as the Alpha. He said this was how it was supposed to be right from the very beginning." He explained haltingly, dropping his head into his hands.

"I'm the Alpha because it's in my blood just as it is in my blood to be the Chief of our village. I was destined for it even before I was born."

His voice was barely above a whisper.

"And now…"

His voice broke. He looked up from his hands, his eyes filled with turmoil and sorrow. He was gazing at me as though he was looking at me for the last time. I felt fresh tears course down my cheeks as I mutely held his eyes.

"Now---there's… _**something**_ in me that's never been there before. It's pulling me home, Nessie… Away from you…"

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even see him clearly anymore through the flood of tears.

"I've been fighting it for days now, trying to remain by your side… to stay with you because I was meant for you as you were meant for me." He breathed, tears trailing slowly down his lean cheeks.

"Was?" I echoed numbly, catching the past tense he used.

His face contorted in unspeakable torment. He reached out an unsteady hand and gently traced my features with his finger.

"I love you so much, Renesmee Cullen." He murmured fervently, his voice breaking over the words. "Please _do not _for even a split second doubt that…"

I nodded mutely, leaning into his touch, grasping his hand and pressing it against my wet cheek.

"But---_**this**_ is something beyond my control. It's getting stronger as the days go by. I can't fight it any longer." He said bitterly, the skin on his hand quivering. "It's calling me back to the village… that's where I belong…"

I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was going to lose him and there was nothing I could do about it. He gathered me into his arms but we both knew there was no consoling either of us.

"The fact that I had imprinted on you means nothing now. My duty to the village and its people comes first above all else… I'm bound to it by my blood." He choked out, anger in his voice. His whole body was quivering now. It was then that it hit me.

"Take me with you…" I whispered through my tears. If he couldn't stay with me then I'll just go back with him.

I heard his sharp intake of breath. I knew then that he had already thought about this option.

"You can't, Nessie---"

"But…" I interjected, pulling away from him.

"Let me finish, please." He begged, pulling me back into his arms.

His troubled dark eyes met my confused gaze. He looked like he was pleading with me to understand.

"I _can't_… let you come back with me."

"What do you mean?" I demanded, a little angry now.

"The treaty, Nessie…" He whispered with much effort, as though he were struggling with himself. I stared at him in confusion. "No Cullen can set foot on our land."

I was stunned. I felt like he had just slapped me across the face. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I pulled away and stared at him in utter disbelief. I barely felt the hand he placed over mine. He gazed at me with so much pain and remorse. It took me a moment before I could speak again.

"I thought that treaty no longer stands." I whispered numbly, involuntarily hunching over—wrapping my arms around my torso, trying to contain the pain that exploded in my chest.

His anguished eyes darkened as he gazed at my awkward posture. Something flickered in them as though he was reminded of something. He wrenched his gaze away from me—his jaw twitching spasmodically.

He didn't need to explain. His silence was enough to tell me of the turmoil and conflict that raged inside him. It was no longer just his decision to make. He was no longer just Jacob. He was now the Chief of his people and the Alpha of the wolf pack that was sworn to protect human life from my kind – from _vampires_.

I could clearly see who was winning the battle that he was struggling with. I was going to lose him completely. He would no longer be _my Jacob_. That person would cease to exist.

I tore my gaze away from his and clenched my eyes shut. I willed everything to just be nothing more than a horrible nightmare but I knew I was only deluding myself. I felt him pull his hand away from mine. Behind the darkness of my closed eyes, I've never felt more alone.

In the end, the bad blood between our people proved to be the victor. My family had hoped that we would be the bridge that would finally put to rest all past conflicts and animosity between us, but right from the start we had already been doomed to fail. We were after all mortal enemies--a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Ill-fated. Star-crossed.

I felt his weight lift off the bed as he slowly stood up. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. Quiet tears were trailing down his cheek as he held my pleading gaze. I reached out to take his hand but he quickly stepped back, his face becoming a blank mask, his eyes growing distant. The hurt and pain I felt was unimaginable.

"This is goodbye…?" I barely managed to whisper. The insides of my chest clenched painfully.

He nodded stiffly.

I stood up unsteadily, my knees buckling. His hand shot out and grasped my arm, holding me steady. I stared at him in surprise. His face mirrored my own expression as he looked at his hand as if it weren't his own.

That small instinctive reaction from Jacob gave me just an ounce of hope that maybe; just maybe, I won't completely lose him after all. He shifted his shocked gaze from his hand to my face. The mask he had put on instantly fell away. His eyes burned with immeasurable pain and longing as he gazed intently at me as though he was etching my face to his memory. I knew that look. It was that same look he had that first day at school. I felt a burning sensation creep from my neck up to my face. The corner of his lips lifted ever so slightly in a ghost of a teasing smile. _My Jacob_. This was my Jacob.

With a strangled sob, I crushed myself to him. I didn't care if he pushed me away; I was strong enough to hold on to him. To my surprise, I felt his arms circle around my waist. I was vividly aware of every shape and contour of his body pressing against me. An unknown desire exploded in the pit of my stomach so strong that I was practically seeing fireworks. I instinctively molded myself even closer to him. I heard him gasp and he suddenly became tense. I was afraid he might pull away. His arm started to loosen but he stopped. I gazed up at him. His face was a picture of profound conflict and turmoil. Grasping at straws, I did the only thing I could think of.

I reached up, yanked his face down toward mine, and crushed my lips against his. I didn't know what came over me. It all happened so fast. I heard his sharp intake of breath and before I could register what was going on, his warm lips started to move tentatively against mine. I breathed in sharply, his intoxicating scent flooding my senses, as I ineptly struggled to match the movement of his lips. With a low growl, he pulled me against him, lifting me off my feet, his lips no longer hesitant as he hungrily deepened the kiss.

My world exploded into a million splintering stars. Everything ceased to exist that very moment. There was only Jacob.


	5. Grin And Bear It

**_CHAPTER 5_**

_**Grin And Bear It**  
_

I stood in the middle of the parking lot and gazed dully at the school. It really was small. What was worse was the fact that everybody knew everybody. Except for me. That knowledge only made me feel lonelier. And sicker. I felt bile slowly rise up my tight throat.

I swallowed convulsively, trying to ignore my burning throat. I must be out of my mind for even considering that I could do this. But Jacob had said that I could. He believed in me. My eyes started to water almost automatically.

_Jacob._

A week had passed since he left. Just one week but it already felt like eternity to me.

I bit my lip hard, fighting back the tears. I clenched my eyes shut as the memory of the last time I saw him streaked through my mind like a comet, leaving a raw and painful trail.

"_How did you know, Jake?" I whispered, staring at the dense forest surrounding our home._

"_Know what?" He answered quietly._

_We were standing outside the house. I could see Sam standing just at the edge of the trees, waiting for him._

"_How did you know that I was planning on returning to school?" I asked him, tearing my gaze away from Sam's still figure to gaze up at Jacob._

_He chuckled softly, reaching over to tuck a wayward curl behind my ear._

"_I didn't."_

_I frowned in confusion, searching his face. Then realization struck me._

"_You were bluffing…?" I whispered incredulously._

"_Worked didn't it?" He smiled._

"_You're unbelievable." I retorted in disbelief, glaring at him but failing to look severe._

_His smile widened. Despite myself I couldn't help but grin back at him._

_The front door opened and I turned to see everyone of my family emerge from the house. I avoided their eyes. I didn't want to see what those identical golden orbs held. I looked down and glowered at my shaking hands instead._

"_Bye, Jake… I'll miss you." My mom whispered tremulously, giving Jacob a hug._

"_I'll miss you too, Bells."_

_I tuned out all the rest. Knowing this was goodbye was one thing but actually hearing it was agony. I hunched over, wrapping my arms around myself, drowning in my pain. Without realizing it, tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks. I clenched my eyes shut. I held myself rigidly, fighting to keep myself from falling apart. I don't know how long I stayed like that._

"_Nessie…"_

_I heard Jacob whisper as I felt his fingers brush my tears away._

_I slowly opened my eyes and gazed at him. His eyes were dark with anguish. Our faces were mirrors of the other's pain. He pulled me towards him, enveloping me into a fierce embrace. I buried my face against his torso, muffling the racking sobs that shook my whole body. My fingers curled into fists, grasping the front of his shirt—trying futilely to hold him there. He softly pressed his lips against my forehead then my temple and finally my earlobe. He took in a deep shuddering breath and whispered brokenly into my ear._

"_My heart is yours…always."_

_And he was gone. I was clutching thin air. My eyes flew open and through my tears, I caught a glimpse of torn clothing streaming behind a flash of reddish brown fur as he disappeared into the trees._

"_Jake…!" I choked out, staggering forward but was stopped by a restraining hand on my arm. I turned dazedly and saw my dad's tormented face. I threw myself into his arms as fresh tears overcame me._

A loud honk made me jump, dragging me out of my painful memory. I turned slowly and gazed uncomprehendingly at the car idling just a few feet from me. It took a moment for me to realize that I was standing right in the middle of the lane and even then, I still continued to stand where I was.

My eyes met the dumbstruck stare of the driver as he sat gawking at me. I quickly averted my face, letting my cascading curls block his view. I yanked the hood of my jacket over my head and was about to step out of the way when a hand took my arm and gently pulled me to the side.

"I'm really sorry." My savior called to the driver as the car slowly rolled past us.

I stared after the car, mutely studying the faded color. I was vaguely aware of the crowd that had started to gather around us – drawn by our little commotion.

"Nessie?" My dad murmured worriedly—very much immune to the awestruck stares of the student population currently in the parking lot.

I looked up and gave him a weak smile.

"I'm okay, da---" I trailed off, staring down at my hands. I couldn't call him "dad" and I couldn't bring myself to call him Edward either.

"Nessie, it's not a big deal." He smiled reassuringly, steering me toward the main school building.

"It is to me." I whispered, dragging my feet as I walked next to him.

"You are just as stubborn as your mother." He sighed.

I gazed once more at the school, quietly waiting for the nausea and panic to come. To my dull surprise, it didn't come back. I was just as numb and detached as I was the day Jacob left. Blessing in disguise? How ironic. I sniffed bitterly.

I took a deep experimental breath just before the main door. The potent, delicious scent of blood hit me like a wrecking ball. I froze, clamping my mouth shut. Without missing a step, my dad promptly spun me about and walked me away from the building.

"Wait, dad.... I think I can handle it." I whispered breathlessly, pulling away from him.

He searched my face. I stared calmly back at him, trying to look as convincing as possible despite the raging inferno blazing in my throat. I swallowed with great difficulty, trying to douse the painful burn.

He nodded slowly and stopped walking, but he didn't let go of my arm. I smiled in bleak amusement, knowing that it wasn't because he didn't trust me but it was more for his own peace of mind.

"Thanks, dad…"

He smiled in resignation. He threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close, planting a light kiss on the top of my head.

"Be very cautious. Don't get too close. If you feel like you're going to lose it, get out of there quickly. Don't even test yourself." He enumerated anxiously, watching the students as they flocked toward the school building.

I nodded mutely, following the direction of his gaze. I may be emotionally dead but physically, I'm still very much the blood-thirsty undead. I must be insane for even attempting this again. Highly possible. I haven't been much myself ever since... I bit my lip and pushed that thought away. I needed to focus or its headline news for the Cullens tonight. I cringed slightly. It's funny though how I could clearly see it.

_**VAMPIRES AMONG US! THEY ARE REAL! **_

Below that blazing headline is our family photo and all the gory details of how Renesmee Cullen massacred the entire population of the local high school of Binghamton, a little town in the state of New York.

"Really, Nessie… _**That**_ is not helping you at all." My dad said, staring at me, aghast – his expression a comical mix of chagrin and amusement.

"Sorry." I managed a wry chuckle.

I stopped, surprised at the sound of my own quiet laughter. I haven't done much of that lately.

My dad beamed widely at my stunned expression. I felt my lips twitch into a small smile in response to his infectious grin. I was glad that he was there with me. It helped me distract myself from the constant melancholy that now plagued me.

"We got our schedules." A teensy musical voice called over to us. "You guys okay?"

I turned and had to smile at the sight of my mom, dragging Alice – who was waving pieces of paper above her head – over to us.

Since there was no talking me out of my decision to go back to school, the three of them volunteered to be personal bodyguards. I sighed. Like my parents would even think to let me out of their sight after the past few disastrous days. I sighed yet again. Although they wouldn't never admit it, I knew they were probably thinking I wasn't only emotionally unstable but mentally as well.

My dad raised an eyebrow at me but I just ignored him and started to translate Mary Had A Little Lamb in 5 different languages. He smirked in amusement and proceeded to lead the way back to the main school building – his hand still wrapped securely around my upper arm – with my mom and Alice closely following behind us.

Although my dad's hold was gentle, the tightening of his jaw gave way to how tense he truly was. This was a big risk we were taking that endangered everyone around me. I bit my lip, suddenly afraid of the outcome if I failed.

"You will be fine." My dad's soft reassuring whisper made me look up at him. "I know you can do this." He smiled, meeting my gaze.

I nodded haltingly and took a deep steadying breath. We were almost at the doors and I was painfully aware of the astonished, awed and curious stares being cast our way. I couldn't really blame them. My dad alone was enough to stop traffic – let alone the three of them all together.

We were already at the threshold and I could already feel the steady burn in my throat building up painfully. I swallowed reflexively, took one last huge gulp of precious air and without missing a step, marched right into my own personal torture chamber.


	6. Hate me

**J A C O B**

_**CHAPTER SIX **_

_**"Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you." **_-Blue October

I quickly turned away from her warmth and let her go. If I stayed there any longer, I didn't know if I would have the strength to leave her then. Every muffled sob, every tear that fell from her tightly clenched eyes, the way she gripped my shirt were like knives driven over and over through my chest. The pain was incredible.

_Nessie…_

My eyes locked for a split second with those of Edward. I clearly saw my pain and torment mirrored in his. I could always count on him to not stay the hell out of my head.

_I'm sorry for this… Please forgive me for hurting her, Edward._

I saw his jaw clench spasmodically and then I was running full tilt on all fours. I was vaguely aware of my clothes – what was left of them – trailing behind me. I bounded into the trees and the last thread of my control snapped when I heard her heartbroken cry.

"Jake…!"

I stumbled, hesitating, but I quickly caught myself. This wasn't just about me anymore – not about what I _need_. There were too many complications now. Things have changed – especially me. I accepted that now but that didn't mean it hurt less.

The dam that I had built to keep myself together fell apart – all the pain, anguish, bitterness, anger, and despair flooded me but I didn't shed a tear. I couldn't.

From beside me I heard Sam's sharp intake of breath as he was assaulted by the very same emotions that were set loose. Jumbled images of Renesmee, my dad, and everything else in between swam wildly in my head. Amidst all the chaos, I vaguely heard a heart-wrenching howl echo loudly in the trees. It took me a moment to realize that it was me.

It was only pure animal instincts that were keeping me going. The human part of me had retreated so far back into my mind – crippled by my pain.

_Jacob – Sam_ started to say, struggling to form a coherent sentence.

_Don't. _I whispered in a weak voice, quickly cutting him off. I didn't want to hear it. I already knew what he was going to say. There was no comfort for me.

My mind finally focused on the memory of Renesmee from last night. Her wide chocolate eyes shining with uncertainty and determination, her cheeks burning bright red as she blushed furiously, the feel of her soft lips pressed innocently and yet forcefully against mine, the way she fit perfectly in my arms. My hand – or paw – twitched involuntarily, remembering the silky feel of her bronze curls through my fingers.

I no longer cared that Sam could clearly see and feel all of this as well. This was the only thing I had left of the girl that I loved with my entire being. I knew that he understood exactly how I felt because an image of Emily flashed briefly in his mind's eye. He tried to picture himself without her and couldn't.

I clenched my eyes shut, remembering how similar Renesmee looked to Bella when she hunched over and clutched her chest or how similar the pain in her eyes was to her mother's when Edward had left. I gritted my teeth, letting torment and regret gnaw me from the inside out.

I had hated Edward for leaving Bella like that and very nearly destroying her, despite the fact that he had done it to protect her. Now I'm doing exactly the same thing. That was where the similarities ended though because unlike Edward, I was never coming back. This was it. This was forever.

My eyes shot open, trying to escape the bleakness in my head. Letting my anger and bitterness fuel me, I stretched my legs farther, pushing myself faster. I felt Sam match my pace but he remained silent, quietly sharing my pain. I could feel remorse and helplessness radiating from him. Like me, he had no choice in all of this. We were all nothing but mere pawns in the grand scheme of things.

I was thankful for him being there though. Despite the fact that I was the Alpha now, I still considered him my mentor. He provided me an anchor – his solid presence was the only thing keeping me from completely losing myself.

_Thanks. _I murmured, meeting his solemn gaze.

He emitted a low gruff sound and gave his massive head a barely perceptible nod. He remained silent but his eyes spoke volumes. I knew he wanted to reassure me – to tell me everything was going to be fine but we both knew those were all lies. Nothing was ever going to be okay because if he was in my place and he lost everything, he wouldn't want me to tell him a load of crap either.

* * *

We ran all day and through the night – not stopping to eat or rest. I was trying to put as much distance as I could between myself and what I had left behind. I knew that if I stopped and I was still close enough to her, there was a huge possibility of me turning back. I gritted my teeth in anger. Going back would accomplish nothing. I would just end up hurting her even more when I leave again.

By sunrise, I was exhausted beyond belief. I quietly shot Sam a glance. He hadn't said anything to me at all, nor had he asked for us to stop but I knew he must be dead on his feet as well. We had slowed down considerably since last night and both of us were barely conscious. I felt like such an ass. Some Alpha I make. First day on the job and I run us close to death.

Sam pretended not to hear my thoughts as he continued to run alongside me. I jogged to a stop and dropped heavily on the ground. He quickly turned to me, worry mirrored in his eyes.

_I'm okay. Sorry, Sam – we should have stopped to rest a long time ago._

He huffed in relief and quickly sank underneath a tree.

I rested my head atop my paws and thought of absolutely nothing. I didn't allow myself any human thoughts. I gratefully welcomed the sort of numbness that overcame me as I felt myself detach from everything. I was no longer Jacob in wolf form. I was now just an animal. As my animal instincts took over and grew stronger, the first thing I noticed was that my hunger had magnified to almost unbelievable proportions. The only thing consuming my mind was the need to feed myself.

Giving my instincts full reign, I got up from where I was and proceeded to sniff the air for prey. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam slowly raise his head and watch me. I ignored him and turned toward the direction from where I had picked up the scent of a deer. I broke into a small jog, my stomach growling in anticipation of the coming food.

A loud bark stopped me on my tracks. I turned and stared at Sam, who had also gotten up from his spot and was now approaching me – his eyes alight with some emotion I couldn't understand. I turned away and was about to proceed in the direction of my meal when Sam jumped right in front of me, barking and growling in frenzy.

I snapped my jaws at him, snarling menacingly – reacting reflexively to the obvious threat he posed. I wasn't about to let him steal my meal. He continued to bark, nudging me on the chest with his nose. It wasn't too forceful but it was agitating me nonetheless. His eyes were searching mine and there were emotions in them that I didn't have names for. I was getting impatient and my hunger couldn't wait. He made a lunge for me again but I was quicker. He missed me and in an instant I had him on the ground – my jaw locked around his throat. If he didn't leave me alone, I wouldn't hesitate to kill him.

He gazed at me with wide eyes but I couldn't see any fear in them. His eyes seemed to be talking to me… pleading with me.

I felt as though the wind got knocked out of me. I blinked in confusion as I stared at him. It felt like I was waking up from a dream and my brain was taking a while to register what was going on.

_Jacob?! Jake! Can you hear me?_

Sam's voice sounded far away. I gasped when I realized what I was about to do. I quickly released him and backed away, breathing heavily. I gazed at him in remorse and confusion. I had no idea what just happened. He sprang to his feet and approached me cautiously. I met his eyes and I clearly saw panic and worry in them and this time, I recognized and understood what I saw.

_Jacob? _

_What the hell just happened? _I asked in panic. I saw relief wash over him at my response.

_You were gone for a while there._ He replied.

_What do you mean gone?_ I stared at him, completely at a loss. I hated the feeling of not getting a handle on things. It made me feel utterly helpless and vulnerable.

_I got worried when I suddenly couldn't hear your human thoughts. They were just gone. I tried to listen closer but all I got from you was your hunger and the desire for food. Purely animal._

He turned to look at me and gave a low snort. If he was human that probably would have been a sigh.

_Don't ever shut yourself off like that ever again, Jake. You could lose yourself and by the time you come to…_ He stopped, grimacing a little, before continuing_. You may have already done something irreversible and you would never be able to forgive yourself…_

I inhaled deeply as understanding dawned on me. I had purposely shut myself off to keep my pain away but in doing so only the animal remained. I had almost killed Sam.

_Sorry_… Was all I could say.

_You couldn't hear me back there, could you?_ He asked after a moment, resting his head on the ground.

I gave my head a shake.

_All I heard was you barking and growling like crazy. _I grinned.

_Well I kind of panicked._ He replied awkwardly. _Just a little…_

My grin widened. I stretched slowly and dropped my head atop my paws once more, closing my eyes. Like a ghost, an image of Renesmee started creeping into my mind. It was so clear and real that it felt as though she was really there, grinning impishly at me. I ground my teeth together trying to ignore the throbbing pain that exploded in my chest. My eyes shot open and met Sam's sympathetic eyes. At this rate neither of us would be able to get some much needed sleep.

_Maybe you should phase back and get some sleep that way_. He suggested hopefully. I don't blame him.

_I kind of destroyed the only pair of pants I had with me…_ I sighed, remembering the tattered pieces of clothes floating behind me when I phased with them on yesterday.

_Their – ah -- mom, Esme, gave that to me yesterday. It was clothes she said. _ He replied motioning toward the small bag tied around his ankle. _I think she knew you would need those._

I felt a pang in my chest as I stared at the rather expensive looking bag. Esme… She had been like a mother to me. No. She had really been a mother to me the whole time I was there. She treated me exactly how she treated everybody else. She always knew exactly what we needed and when we needed them. Like yesterday – she knew I would need clothes.

Sam looked away – clearly uncomfortable of my recollection of Esme. I sighed and closed my eyes, phasing back to human form. It was then that I felt the full impact of my fatigue and hunger. I leaned heavily against the tree, barely managing to untie the bag from Sam's ankle. I opened the bag and smiled slightly when I saw that not only did she pack clothes, she also managed to squeeze in a few items of food. I held up a tightly wrapped sandwich, eyeing Sam questioningly. I wasn't sure if he wanted any of it, considering how averse he was to their smell and – after all this time – he still didn't completely trust them.

Sam let out a low grunt which sounded like a cross between a sigh and a growl. I grinned at his obvious discomfort but was taken by surprise when he phased back and gingerly took the sandwich from my hand. He eyed the offending sandwich warily just as his stomach made the mother of all groans. Unable to contain myself, I started cracking up like crazy. I really did feel bad for him but at the same time it was just all too funny.

Having lived with the Cullens for so long had clearly desensitized me to their smell that had once been so nauseating to me. It didn't even bother me in the least anymore. I struggled to contain myself at seeing the irritated look on Sam's face.

"Sorry. Couldn't help myself." I managed to say between laughs, taking a sandwich for myself and throwing him a pair of pants that was in the bag.

He caught it and held it away from his face, wrinkling his nose.

"Seriously, Sam. It's not that bad." I sighed, standing up and pulling on the other pair.

"Speak for yourself, Jake. I haven't exactly been shacking up with a coven of vampires for the past – oh I don't know – 5 years like you have." He retorted, annoyed.

"Sure, sure." I replied dismissively, not in the mood to get into an argument with him.

He knew it was either eat the food, put on the pants and sleep or phase back, _**go hunt**_, eat, then sleep. He was too exhausted to hunt but he was also having a hard time getting over the smell. I watched him slowly peel the wrapping off of the bread and proceeded to sniff it. I rolled my eyes at him and shifted my attention back to my own food. I ripped off the wrapping and took a huge bite off of it. I could feel Sam's astonished gaze on my face as I continued to devour my food.

"Told you it's not bad. It's really good actually." I said between mouthfuls. "It's turkey and swiss cheese." I added after a closer inspection of my quickly disappearing sandwich.

Sam sighed defeatedly, closed his eyes and finally took a bite. I watched in amusement as he struggled to chew it and fight to keep it from coming back out. It was like watching Sam getting tortured. I chuckled softly and decided to check what else Esme had managed to squeeze in for us. I was surprised to find two bottles of water in the very bottom of the bag. I quickly glanced at Sam who had finally finished his sandwich – looking slightly green in the face – and was pulling on his own pair of pants.

_He had been dragging this bag from his ankle since yesterday while running at our insane pace. It must have been pretty heavy_. I thought in amazement, feeling even guiltier.

He turned around, smoothing down his pants.

"Aside from the smell, these are some nice pair of pants." He mused, lightly catching the bottle of water I had tossed over to him.

"Yeah… Alice has – umm – really expensive taste in clothes." I replied slowly.

"Alice…? She buys you… clothes?" He asked incredulously.

"She buys all of the guys' clothes. Sometimes Esme would but most of the time it's Alice." I tried to explain but he was still staring at me uncomprehendingly.

"Okay… Alice loves shopping – too much if you ask me – and she loves clothes. She hates it when we wear the same thing every time, especially the guys… So she decided she'd be in charge of buying stuff for us—" I trailed off when I noticed the weird look Sam was giving me.

"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.

He merely shook his head.

"What is it?" I demanded – a little annoyed – although I had a feeling it had something to do with my relationship with the Cullens.

"It's nothing… It's just the way you talk about _**them**_." He murmured – more to himself that to me.

"_**They**_'re family to me, Sam." I answered him levelly. "And they regarded me as one of their own with no questions asked."

"_**We**_ are your family, Jacob." He quickly countered, frowning.

"I know that." I muttered darkly, shaking off the quivering in my flesh. "I've made my choice, haven't I?"

His gazed briefly at the familiar spasms on my skin and met my icy glare once more.

"What would your choice have been had you been in my place, Sam?" I challenged bitterly.

His jaw clenched and he quickly tore his gaze away from mine.

"Who would you have chosen?" I could no longer contain my anger. The hot tears that threatened to spill only served to infuriate me even more.

"It's not the same–"

"Exactly." I countered through clenched teeth. "Spare me your righteous preaching because _you don't know anything_." I finished acidly and abruptly stood up.

I walked briskly away, my anger seething dangerously. I could feel my skin twitching uncontrollably – itching to phase. But the last thing I needed was Sam barging in on my thoughts again. I needed to be alone. That realization struck me hard. I stopped short and slumped down against the nearest tree, dropping my head into my hands.

I let my guard slip and fall and the flood of tears I had been keeping in check finally spilled down my cheeks. The force of it left me breathless. The broken sobs that managed to escape my tightly clenched jaw sounded alien to my ears. It was as though I was listening to someone else. I clamped my lips tighter together and buried my head between my knees, letting the unrelenting wave of tears rack my entire body.

Even when I finally let myself grieve, I still didn't know for who – or what – I was grieving for. I was torn. I had told Sam that I had made my choice. That wasn't a lie. I did make a choice but it wasn't something that I would have chosen had I been given a way out. It was just something that had already been decided for me and not what I truly wanted. Because deep down – past the convoluted thoughts, the rage, the bitterness, and anguish – I knew exactly _who_ I would've chosen and _where_ I wanted to be**.**

* * *

**Author's notes: **_**I'm sorry this is such a cliffhanger ; ; I'm still in the process of finishing Chapter 7. Busy with work and such... Le sigh... But! Please do leave a review or comment and tell me if you liked it (or hated it) :) Any feedback is greatly appreciated and is a great help! Will be updating soon! (I hope...) ~Anigrrl**_


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